The other night, by boss said to me, Fiona, you're very naive. There are things in the world that are done, not because they want to be done. Sometimes, things need to be done.
At least I kinda think that was what he said. I had a couple of drinks so Try as best as i could to rememebr the words of wisdom that he was trying to impart on this lesser being, I may have missed out some vital information.
But what I remember him saying very clearly is that I am very naive. I'm not exactly sure what he meant by that when he said that I was very naive.. but I guess that becuase I live in a very pampered world where everything comes to me almost lah... I wouldn't say a silver platter, but I don't have to strive too very hard to live a comfortable life. In that instance, I'm very fortunate indeed to have been blessed as that I did not hit rock bottom and go up from there. I guess I'm really blessed that my Father decided upon himself to better himself from being just a draftsman, and venture into other things as well.
Although his initial construction business failed, resulting in him being declared a bankrupt, and only in the later years of his life he was undeclared a bankrupt, he was very fortunate indeed to have had to opportunity in realising the MultiLevel Marketing business which brought our family out from poverty ( I was still young that time and I didn't know that the family had so much of suffering and troubles) to a extreamely comfortable life today, even 6 years after his passing. His hard work, dedication and love for us really triumphed over all obstacles to enable us to enjoy what we have today.
I sincerely believe that every man is born with the same capabilites ( sometimes some more than others) but in the end, it's what we do with our strengths and how we overcome our weaknesses to rise from it. I must admit that Sometimes i'm in amazement how some people can acheive such great ranks, when they were just nobodies before. Something in them must have spurred them to acheive much greateness. But each and everyone of them attained it in a way that is unique to them. I look at my friends today, some of them have acheived great things in their lives, and I see them achiveing even greater sucesses. Some acheievements are different from others. Some are motherly, some are noble, others are materialistic while others are just sufficient. Yet they are acheivements nonetheless.
But i do see much strenght in people being able to do what they do. I'm trying. Not very hard i'm afraid to do what I'm supposed to do. But if you know me, I do MANY things, it seems that I'm not focused enough to realise what I want. I don't know. Even today, I'm still unsure of what I really really want. Some say, Fiona, you're a lawyer... I don't know if I really want to be a lawyer forever. i realy don't. If you ask me. Fiona.. will you be in practice 5 years from now? I wish I could forsee the future and tell it to you. It's not because I'm just fickle. I guess I don't want to lose out on life. I want to do everything that I want to do. Don't you? But what is everything? Yeah. I'm not quite sure either. Everyday it seems that my goals in life differ every so slightly. I may not realise it.. but one day down the road. I may suddenly find myself in a place I did not realise I was going to.
My bosses are wonderful people who worked very hard to be where they are today. Yes they do work very hard. and they are very intelligent people. I do not doubt that one day i MIGHT be like them. The only problem is, It's very very very difficult. Honestly it is. I have to fight with myself on a daily basis to balance what I want from life. Do I want to work? do I want to learn? what do i really want? do I want to be less stressed?
Fiona Fiona... Fiona Fiona... why are you in such a mess?
No matter what tho, I am still very thankful for the life that I am blessed with today. As you know, i 'volunteer' at a NGO. I'm not sure about most of the other 'legal officers' who are on duty there but i take my job quite seriously. In fact I do not take the 1 hour lunch break and I work my ass off to help the people there. I don't even know that I'm doing that. But it's okay. I don't think 10-4.30 is sufficient to help them all but that's the time that is stipulated to me so i have to abide by their rules.
Recently they asked me if I would like to volunteer again on my own. I can honestly say that at this momment I cannot be a volunteer. It takes up too much of time and it takes too much of my energy. I may sound Terribly selfish in this. Really. you must think that Fiona.. for all your talks about helping mankind.. and the forests.. and helping one another.. you are the Horriblest not to volunteer your time there.
I don't care.
I know that when I'm there I take too much things personally. I want to help everyone I cannot do that. During that 9 hours, it's TORTUROUS. Their problems, their stress. all their lives and worries becomes apart of mine. I help them as much as I would hope someone else would put in the effort to help me. i'll try to find the best solutions for them. that is within my capability. I don't know much I have to say, but at least so far, they have said that by even talking to me they feel better. And when I can't find out a solution it EATS into me.
It's very sad when you have to hear of so many problems. the worst is when you hear so many of them you feel that one person's problem is not as important as the other persons! which is not the case! to them their lives are falling apart. They need that help that they seek from you. They don't know how many people you've spoken to. They don't care if you had a bad day. No. Your job is them. And i'm taking it to seriously.
One lady that I spoke to for hours, told me a little bit of her life story. She's very poor. She comes from a family that does love her. But she's very rich. She has a lot of money. So she bought for her family all sorts of things.. yet! her family still didn't like her. They only took her things. Her boyfriends left her and only wanted 'something' from her. Her husband left her to marry her maid. She's penniless but still she says.. when I have some money, i'd like to make people happy. She's a very kind person. She is. and I wish her all the best.
She told me with sad sobs that because she was so poor and she wanted to have money, she worked in a karaoke joint. she said that when she was my Age, which is quarter of a century old, she was a 'hostess' at a club. and he could earn easliy 10k a month. she said all men wanted her. All men wanted her for all the wrong reasons. Her family shunned her becasue of what she did. YET they still took her money. Her children had everything they ever wanted.. but now they even refuse to look at the mother who is now 'poor' and unable to fulfill their needs.
Today, when I look at women at places like this i don't know waht to think. when i see the men. I also don't know what to think. She could hardly believe me when I told her I'm 25 and i don't go clubbing. or 'thatkinda karaoke' or all these kinda things. She asked me what I did and I simply told her.. watching movies, reading.. etc. etc.
She then said, "Fiona, you're very blessed if you don't know all these things."
I hope I never have to.
