the Haunting Letter

You see,

I'm a corporate lawyer, with a bit of conveyancing mixed in between here and there. I won't say I'm an expert on it, but I have some experience dealing with it.

I only went to court 4 times.

1. my short call

2. my long call

3. my Friend's long call

4. appearing with counsel on a capital repayment matter / bailed my client out of court.

first 2 times. i was very stressed.

the third I was okay. (well duhh.. I was just watching!)

the fourth I wasn't worried cause I had a partner with me who knew everything so my job was litereally to hold a document and walk into the "chambers" which was my first time entering.

Oh.. and bail.. MY GAWD. that was drama.. I saw a guy (not my client of course) beaten up and bengkak all over!!! all blood everywhere on his clothes.. I felt so sad for him. he was in handcuffs to. haihz. I could never be a criminal lawyer..

my client who ihad to bail, was in for a corporate crime. so he was treated nicely. he was wearing nice expensive stuff also (Ceo maahhh he was suddenly told he was "arrested" then taken to court to be tried). so we had to take all his stuff give him some food. and make sure he was okay. I spent a whole day there... doing nothingmuch actually
but it was an experience.

Anyway the point of my story is..

I DUN LIKE LITIGATION!!!

I hate it from the bottom of my heart. and all other parts of my heart and soul.. and body..

Recently my firm had some litigation matters done. My job was to ensure that the ltters that come in and out from and to our advising counsel and the respondents' counsel are sent.

That also I had drama.. cause i don't know what the "papers" were... i tell you this.. after a very embarassing lesson, I made sure everything i sent out was the correct document (thanks to Lichen and Dianne who helps me translate those documents)

then.. recently my letters are exhibits in the respondent's affidavits!!!!
OMG!!


yeah.. everyday I get very stressed when I see the opposing counsel's letterhead on my table.

It's like a letter that haunts me everyday
I get 1 or 2 letters now everyday. it's like love letters only that it strikes fear in my every pore. I dread to see those letters. and pray that it's not something bad.

The only good thing , i guess is that I don't actually have to reply those letters . (phew) well i do. but not in court.

yet. I have to say. it's amazing how many letters is sent between our firms. I've never EVER sent and received so many letters before.

Sucks.

I hate litigation.

i'm only thankful i don't EVER have to go to court.

Thank goodness for that!!!!!!

Dyscalculia - means I'm dumb and make mistakes

Before I begin, let me first tell you this. I'm not whining, I'm not giving excuses, I'm not complaining. I'm just expressing my relief that i found out what's wrong with me. and it's a great relief.

If you think i'm being whiny because I didn't try hard enough. You don't know how hard i tried.

If you think I'm just imagining things. You don't know how difficult it is to live in a world where you can't trust yourself in what you've written down.

If you think I'm crazy. So have I, all my life until today.

Dyscalculia

is a learning disability where you have difficulty in understanding numbers.

I just found out about this today.

It's not that I don't understand numbers. It's just that I can't seem to see them clearly.
Dyscalculia, is a type of Dyslexia, that instead of words, it affects numbers.

Wiki pedia says:

"Dyscalculia^[p] or math disability is a specific learning disability involving innate difficulty in learning or comprehending mathematics. It is akin to dyslexia and can include confusion about math symbols. Dyscalculia can also occur as the result of some types of brain injury."

You prob think. Maths is a subject. if you keep doing it.. you'll get it right eventually. It's all about practice.

You're probably right. It is about practice. But where normal people have a fair playing field. I just found out that numbers run for me. Sure I know how to plus 2 +2. That's the basic. I understand math.. basic math at least. But when more numbers appear together. It becomes a mess for me. I didn't realise this at first. But now that I look back, my kindergarten teacher and my primary school teachers all have written that i'm "extremely careless in maths" and that i "make silly mistakes". Number tend to "Hide" from me. i don't understand how. I still don't. But at least I know that other people have this problem too.

For the life of me. I think I'm seeing what I'm seeing. But that is not real. that is not what is there. Its oaky if you don't understand me. but please don't accuse me of being lazy. It's terribly stressful to see something you honestly believe its real. Only to find out it is not.

"Dyscalculia has several underlying causes. One of the most prominent is a weakness in visual processing. To be successful in mathematics, one needs to be able to visualize numbers and mathematics situations. Students with dyscalculia have a very difficult time visualizing numbers and often mentally mix up the numbers, resulting in what appear to be "stupid mistakes."

Another problem is with sequencing. Students who have difficulty sequencing or organizing detailed information often have difficulty remembering specific facts and formulas for completing their mathematical calculations. "

Some of the Symptoms of Dyscalculia are

• Many students with disabilities have histories of academic failure that contribute to the development of learned helplessness in mathematics. It is important that mathematics instructors recognize the symptoms of dyscalculia and take the necessary measures to help students that are affected. Some of the symptoms are:
• Students might have spatial problems and difficulty aligning numbers into proper columns.
• Have trouble with sequence, including left/right orientation. They will read numbers out of sequence and sometimes do operations backwards. They also become confused on the sequences of past or future events

this is true. i'm not making excuses for my poor performance in math, but math was never my forte. I need to make termendous effort just to understand it. and that's when i can get "points" for trying, as more often than not, one number that i've put in would be a number that either wasn't real, or I've mixed them up). Multiplication tables are my absolute worst. It's not that i've not tried to memorise them. I even have a toy multiplication table to help me. This did not help as I still take a long time in asnwering simple multiplication sums. Longer than most people anyway... that's why i almost never got 100% during primary school when teacher would call out sums and we'd have to write the answer in our books. Every mistake would cause us a "slap" on our palms with a rotan or ruler. More often than not. I would be on the lineup to receive this "slap". It wasn't as if I didn't try. I used to recite it every night before I sleep. But it did not help. I could not get it in time. Eventually I just resorted into clever cheating and copied off my friends to prevent being in the lineup. At least one thing good came out of this. I learnt how to copy things without being seen. I also learnt how to calculate things like if it's 15 + 24. I'll just minus off the 5 and 4, plus 10 and twenty. and plus the nine. and the nine with the thirty. so I'll get thirty nine. i'll round it up to the nearest round number and minus or plus it off. Sounds confusing? i have to because numbers other than 10, 20, etc and single digits make me panic.



• Students typically have problems with mathematics concepts in word problems, confuse similar numbers (e.g., 7 and 9; 3 and 8), and have difficulty using a calculator.
I don't actually have a problem using a calculator, at least a normal calculator and not a scientific one. But that's becuase I've trained my fingers to get accustomed to where the numbers are placed. I only memorise numbers based on the pattern of how it forms. like 1351 - forms a triangle. that's how i memorise phone numbers as well. on the pattern. If I have to recall that number, I'll just trace the pattern, and attach the numbers to it. It's easier that way. I know most people don't do that. But that's what i do.


• It is common for students with dyscalculia to have normal or accelerated language acquisition: verbal, reading, writing, and good visual memory for the printed word. They are typically good in the areas of science (until a level requiring higher mathematics skills is reached), geometry (figures with logic not formulas), and creative arts.
I have a good imagination too. Apparently because of our lack of numerical agility, our brains work differently. We have some sort of weirdness that is very particular to sound when we concentrate, and that we are very easily distracted.


• Students have difficulty with the abstract concepts of time and direction (e.g. inability to recall schedules, and unable to keep track of time). They may be chronically late.
I will not use this as an excuse. I'm just late. I never knew why I was always late for school and stuff. I thought it's becuase i don't like to go to school. and that i didn't like going to places early and waiting for people. Perhaps this is still a problem with me. I can be early too if I make a conscious effort to do so.


• Mistaken recollection of names. Poor name/face retrieval. Substitute names beginning with same letter.
Yes. I do this all the time. Lawrence becomes William. If your name is Lisa, i'd probably think you're Lydia. I cannot remember a face. If you ask me to describe how someone looks like i can only give you his characteristics. I have no idea how he or she looks like. I can identify if you show me his/her picture. But in my head I cannot imagine how he/she looks like. I can tell you that he wears glasses, has long hair, thin frame, looks like a prawn, or acts in a certain way. etc etc. But it's a complete blank. Yes. I cannot remember family member's faces either. But I can associate faces quickly. Like if someone looks lke someone else. It's strange. i cannot picture their faces but I can tell you that they look like someone else. Don't ask me how. I cannot till today figure it out.


• Students have inconsistent results in addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. Students have poor mental mathematics ability. They are poor with money and credit and cannot do financial planning or budgeting (e.g. balancing a checkbook). Short term, not long term financial thinking. May have fear of money and cash transactions. May be unable to mentally figure change due back, the amounts to pay for tips, taxes, etc
Perhaps... perhapss.. perhaps..


• When writing, reading and recalling numbers, these common mistakes are made: number additions, substitutions, transpositions, omissions, and reversals.
• May be unable to comprehend or "picture" mechanical processes. Lack "big picture/ whole picture" thinking. Poor ability to "visualize or picture" the location of the numbers on the face of a clock, the geographical locations of states, countries, oceans, streets, etc.
as explained earlier.


• Poor memory for the "layout" of things. Gets lost or disoriented easily. May have a poor sense of direction, loose things often, and seem absent minded. May have difficulty grasping concepts of formal music education. Difficulty sight-reading music, learning fingering to play an instrument, etc.
I could NEVER sight read. I would PRETEND to sight read. It was very difficult. I would remember only one note. the C. and guess my way up and down depending on how it looks like on the music sheet.
Yes. i used to be horrible in my sight reading. I still can't do it today. i have to write down each and every note, and memorise the sequence. I love music. But I can't sight read. I really can't. I didn't know this was a symptom. But it sure explains why I always failed at my sight reading tests.


• May have poor athletic coordination, difficulty keeping up with rapidly changing physical directions like in aerobic, dance, and exercise classes. Difficulty remembering dance step sequences rules for playing sports.
i can play sports, if i do repetitive things, like punching, cycling, or things on my own, like belly dancing, or body pump. I have NEVER successfully finished a bodyjam or bodystep class. I could not understand the steps. Even if it was shown to me 1,2,3,4,5 etc.... I will almost always foul up the steps. If you know me you know I NEVER go for those classes. I'm too embarrased.

Like I said. It's not an excuse. Honest. It just feels soo good. to finally know that I don't have a split personality that causes me to make mistakes at work, or at home.

It's feels soo good that when i'm reading the lists of symptoms at various websites. I can identify with so many that I cry. I'm not sure why I cry. But it's as if someone has just written out my life story. and why i have had so much of trouble in life.

Ahhh.. sure.. it's just MATHS... it's just numbers...

It's okay. i understand that you dun understand. It's not just about numbers. It's about being potentially wrong all the time and you just don't know why. You're being put down as being lazy and not trying hard enough when you do. you're always accused of being silly and stupid for making mistakes. not being careful enough. Not making enough checks.

yes. I need to always check myself. Sometimes, even after 3 checks, I still can't see the problem.
it appears right to me. How can I fix a problem which is right to me? I have no idea. but I do try. I try everyday.

iused to think that i'm not meticulous enough. That I need to be more meticulous. Yes. I know i'm not meticulous. and i need to be more meticulous I know this. So please forgive me while i try. It's terribly hard for me to be meticulous. Some people are born that way. I was just born the OTHER way.

If you have a child, and if he or she has trouble with numbers, please understand that its not because he or she doenst' want to. I'm sure they would love to be math proficient like everyone else. I'm sure he or she would love to say "right" and really mean "right and not left" and not second guess their answer. I'm sure he or she would love to hand in their work worrying if the answers are wrong or not. I'm sure they would love to be in music class and not squich at the thought of having sight reading next. I'm pretty darn sure he or she would love to be able to follow the steps in a class.

but i have been blessed. My phone numbers are easy to remember, and all my important numbers too. but yes, everyday is a battlefield. and for all the wrong reasons.

you see, to me, data entry, is a daunting task. Something even i can't do right. but at least now that I know what it is. I can take steps to be more careful. concentrate and try my best to be calm. I find that it helps.

If you think I'm making excuses for being lazy. Please just leave me alone. Thank you. I appreciate it very much.